weekend

Apart from the questions who will win - India or Srilanka and who will bat first, the next question on my mind is....

Will NEA give the few extra hours of power for the World Cup as it did last time during the Ind - Pak match?

picture this II

soap in a row

@ a tea shop in dolalghat!

balancing act!

outside home

picture this

White flower:

@dhulikhel, 2010

Boy splashing water

on way to the last resort, 2011

twitter this

i opened a twitter account today. it's so awkward though, maybe because i am not used to it. i am so used to seeing familiar faces on fb, it just baffled me at first. then i search for people i knew, friends, family - there were none.

i then went for celebs - from bollywood and hollywood and then to familiar categories, my favorite writers, then nepal...it leads you to more sites. i never knew manjushree thapa had a separate site in her name, its boring though - not much information except a review on her books which i can get anywhere. And her FAQs aren't that friendly either. well, she is the reserved kine. as long as her literature enriches us, no complaints madam.

just blank

blank.

sometimes the mind is blank. not just when you try to scribble something but when you try to even think something, it is preoccupied with just one thing that is most important in your life and nothing else matters.

i have been home, resting for a week now. and it seems fine. nothing else matters. on the first day i had to rest, i was deep shit worried about office, so much work, so few people to handle, one of my other colleagues is on bed rest too. I felt guilty, bad, twisted, difficult. But now i feel fine. Life will go on, but nothing's as important as health, nobody will give it back to you - not your mom, not your husband, not your dad, not your mother-in-law. This is one thing that totally belongs to you and if you don't take care of yourself, no one else will, because they don't know how you feel - your health. I think i have learnt it the hard way, shouldn't have been that difficult, but the simplest facts are the toughest to penetrate sometimes.

i have been doing the most cherished thing lying on bed these last few days - reading.

pathetic coffee

Its exactly 10 mins before the net goes down...the load shedding starts and it's not powered here, where i am.

Well, i am not in for pathetic coffees anymore either. We try to get in the best that's around, grind them and brew them, tea is brewed, coffee is what? filtered?

Anyways, i am just through with one of the finest literature i have come across in these years - The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood. It is one of the smooth writings i have read in a long long while, it reminded me of Dostoevsky. Atwood is simply amazing, and i am definitely digging out more of her from the library.

The starting sentence of the novel is "Ten days after the war ended, my sister Laura drove a car off a bridge." and you can't put the book down then after....

state of mind

I went to print a few pictures of mine, and the family – get it mounted so that I could hang a few on my wall. The wall is empty mostly except for a wedding picture of ours gifted to us by the professional photographer we hired – he clicked it, blowed it up and framed it. My in-laws hung it up on our wall. It has been there since. We have shifted from the room a couple of times and been back to the room a couple of times, and this time we are here to stay, but the picture has remained there since we got married - three years complete, to be exact. ‘you decide your mind first, before you print them’ suggested a friend, and I decided to do so and came back to my desk, 6.30 pm. An empty lift, the fluorescent light, half empty floor, echoing voices, you get used to it when you are regular late-hour at the office. A multinational organization huh! What prestige in the society, you are a smart guy if you get in, a sort of genius if you succeed. I am half way through the second category and dad’s proud about me. Is that all that matters? Am I successful?

Should I have my first child? Should I go to the USA and study marketing? Should I go and teach at a school? Do I have a choice?

I did not realize how people stopped having choices. I did not realize that people did not realize that they did not have choices. People think they do. But if you really empathize and think about it, there are as little choices as you think you got.

I read a theory once about choices by one of the philosophers. He said we don’t make a decision in life, not a single one. His point of view was – when you are brought up in a particular circumstance, in a particular set of beliefs, in a particular kind of family, in a particular environment with the financial spending you make, with the education you get, with the unique set of all the things in your unique individual life, you cannot but make one decision that you had made about certain thing. If you tweak something about that uniqueness, which is true for some other individual maybe, that person will make his decision which is based on his set of unique experiences. But one person, with his set of experiences will make only that one decision and nothing else; he will think he has choice because he has multiple situations to ‘choose’ from. But this philosopher propounds, in actuality, he does not have a choice, he has a decision already, he cannot but choose that particular decision given his set of experiences. Nice. Complicated. Unconvincing. Confused.

I am married to the best person in the world. It’s a great feeling to have that feeling that you are married to the most amazing husband, and when you are totally in love. I love every moment with him, and can never have enough of it. I tell him, lets not sleep tonight, it will be tomorrow, and you will go to office, and I will go to office. Let’s just wake up all night and have a longer moment, looking at each other, being with each other, feeling each other – sometimes I just stare at him snoring for hours, just being awake with him around. And I have never had enough of it. Comparatively, we spend much more time together, at home, at lunches, just being together somehow than other couples we know, we go the library together, do the grocery together, commute to and from work together, attend parties together, go to the movies together, but somehow, we just aren’t enough together. And I feel so lucky. I just love being in love. And being entirely – so engrossed about one person. Sometimes, I tell him, maybe this is unhealthy, I am so much crazy about you. Maybe it is, I don’t know. But I don’t care either.

Sometimes I think I am the most confused person around. I don’t know whether I want to continue my studies at this point, I think it’s too late – I should be giving birth to a child right now as expected by the whole big extended family – mine and his. Sometimes I am confused whether I really want a child, no, I am not confused about that, I do want a child. I am confused about whether – is it now, do we want it – confused mind about this topic, alright, confused about the kinds of question I should be having around this topic about the whole child thing. I am confused about whether I want to stay here or go abroad, for more opportunities, confused about whether career is important to me, whether money is important to me. Then, I see more confused, very confused people around me. When I counsel them, talk to them, sort out their decisions, their life problems, I feel that my life problems, my decisions are easier to make. Sometimes I am confused about whether I like my job. Sometimes I wonder whether I am an workaholic, whether I am an alcoholic – maybe I am, but maybe I just don’t realize it.

There are so many ifs, buts, variables in life, in everyday living, so much chaos, so many things to attend to, so many stakeholders, competition, confusion, varying thoughts, intonations, pitches, so many parameters, challenges, questions, you just get fed up and it gets on your nerves – like today, for me. I just want to shut off and feel, take the time to smell the air and read a book, and sip a coffee and do just one thing at a time. Just sip coffee.

What if today, on a day like this, I had to decide something. It would be totally different than when making a decision on a saner day, I would think, but look I am not making any decisions today, somehow they are all postponed. Maybe if I was so hard pressed and busy to be making a thousand decisions, I wouldn’t be in this mood today – a catch 22 for you here. Nice.

Blessed

In less than a month's time, we would have been married for three years. How does it feel, my to be married friends wonder maybe, you have been married for three long years! The older of the lot colleagues who are in their 15th or 18th year of marriage must think we are kids.

When we go for a cup of coffee or have discourse over some topic, fight over the scrabble board, we find new aspects of each other and the same old curiosity and enthusiasm creeps up about each other. Yet, to find that deep rooted comfort amongst the novelty of the relationship emerging each day - is a blessing. I thank for every moment spent together, and its just too precious.

for the heck of it

Kathmandu has changed. Changed a lot. A few couples - newly settled have asked us between conversations we have had - '.....one option is to come back to Kathmandu...start afresh' - we have always discouraged them - sadly - '...not for another 4-5 years maybe, let things settle for a while.'

Back of our mind runs a list of things they would be frustrated with once they are back - load shedding hours in the superlative, waterless taps, chaotic traffic rules, innocent accidents, lampless streets, dark alleys, lurking fear at every street corner, suspicious looks. We forget what might go right for them - they may turn into a successful entrepreneur, be even more close to their families, regain their lost faith in religion, have peace of mind, turn into nature lovers. Maybe we could add one more to the list of frustration - pessimism.

idiot

Met a college friend for lunch - talked about 3 idiots and 5 pt smone. met a friend for coffee, talked about 3 idiots and 5 pt smone. it brought quite a few flashbacks. i realize, when i remember now, the times that used to be, there are only specific things that remains in your mind - and those are not the ones that were meant to be remembered - like music, like coffee hangouts everyday, like samosas, like ramblings - it was an everyday affair - always available, always free. Free stuff then are so precious now and dreams of then are so in vain.

ponder:

what goes through your mind when you see a child? (a lot)

three things that will stay with me today/thank you-s for:

good coffee - i still love good coffee

a nice talk

hubby

i miss:

music

a wild run - till my cheeks go hot

counting the stars

its been ages i have gazed at the sky. i still remember the excitement we had when we realized we had found Ursa Major. it was a playful and curiosity driven thing we did after dinner which stuck as a habit - gazing the sky at night after dinner, trying to find the constellations - Cancer was the second one we figured out - if i remember correct. Bro carried a torch light and the astro book from the library and that was it - under a clear winter sky. Stars twinkled and we shivered but we loved it. Every time i go to the library, as if by habit i browse over to Astronomy - forget what i was looking for and skip it. i have forgotten many things - and this is one of them. maybe, tonight i will go up to the terrace with a blanket on my back and gaze at the stars - i will try to find aquarius maybe - its the right month if i am not wrong. Maybe i wouldn't figure it out at the first go - but i will sleep tight thinking - at least i tried.

A good time

five months is a good time for a new blog post - no i did not think so and no, that is not why i am here.

i am here because i got the time. i got the time to ramble on - on my own. i need two days of bandh to finally go to fb and update my status and go around taking status on a fren's newest updates...

no, i am not that bg, just a lil laid back - not doing things right - maybe or just not interested.

'people interest me', i was talking to a fren recently - 'but not as much to know their daily status' - we argued a while - it was interesting. You should be in HR, she said - i said - maybe not - but pray i will be.

books has always been a pal to me - they don't need a reply, no deadlines, no times fixed, no need to voice your opinion, form sentences, look for the right word, if you had slipped a wrong one in the first place, no necessity to go back and correct them, no apologies, no corrections, no nothings, books are always there to give you company - in good times and bad. Books don't say i am ignoring them if i don't return a call - don't say they are hungry or lets go for a coffee...books get worn out though - pages fall apart and in few cases if you re-read them after years, you could get a different meaning altogether from it.

we all have our idiosyncrasies...our little rules for ourselves... aquarians are known for too many rules they make for themselves and known to stick to them..one, i have for myself is i don't re-read a book - one, because like a painting, it gives a different dimension every time you go back to it. two, who's got the time. three, i don't know, i just get too bored too quick with one thing. My husband gives me a weird look when i say that, ''except you'' i reassure him - he's gorgeous.

it's good to be rambling again...wish i had the time and the energy to do it more often...few things i had wanted to write about today which i would not be writing is about the sheer incapability of our leaders to direct this beautiful country to a path of prosperity, mother-in-laws, and oranges. will take these up in later posts definitely.

The July

Slipped birthdays. Hustle bustle of the pratice squeezed into an already busy day! Its amazing how so many things can still squeeze into that 24 hours and you thought you were the busy one.

This seems outdated when i see my husband spend hours at the facebook.

One more movie, few pages of the book i carry, an article, one more phone call, one more dish conjured...it will settle in somewhere between that busy schedule, so will these words.

13Tzameti

Don't ask me to pronounce it.

From the subtelties of finer emotions. This one takes you to the death seat. How would you feel with a gun pointed on your head?

after a long time

Don't remember when i wrote my last one and don't know when i will be back for the next. Cannot trace in my memory what i wrote last, and can't say what words will flow next. It is like the changes happening these past few years, plucked from one side of the street to the other, one bosom to another, one JD plus many. Life seems to have taken a tumble, a fun one - a frivolous one and at the same time a serious one, which one camouflaging the other is hard to say. Discovering new people, experimenting simple but new dishes, finding unused soup spoons in never-opened drawers, entering a strange side of the world, being married - just hoping for another new beginnning - this one has been too good - touchwood. Bonds made stronger, energy renewed, new hopes and promises, ambitions grow and so does the mind. Cogito ergo sum. I think therefore I am. Why does a person - no, why do i need this strange hour to freshen up the mind? Is it because there is no chaos around? is it because the only sound there is - is the barking of dogs - incessantly far faraway in some unseen corner of the world, as if it is a 'figment of my imagination' - ah, this one is from rata-tu-e - wish i knew how to spell it.

Things happen so fast, it is difficult to record the emotions that come with it.

But it is nice to be here after such a long time - i have always liked corners i guess.

More later, definitely.

One more Tihar

The rice is soaked and dried... flour made and soon we will make rotis for Tihar...
one more that will never end...
coz it will come again another year.
it is here to stay...with the lights and the fun
the crackers and the diyas...
here is one more tihar ...
let's celebrate one more tihar with the sun.

GFC

Will the Global Financial Crisis affect Nepal?
When few CEOs shared their views on this, some were of the view that Nepal is safe from the GFC, it would not trickle down to this level, others were of the view that the effect will be to the extent of spillover from India - through our trade with the country. Still others, whom i found more realistic said that Nepal is not and cannot be decoupled from the rest of the world. How can it be decoupled? How cannot something that shook the rest of the developed world, affect us? Are we an independenlty standing...self-sufficient country? No, we are not. We live on trade, breathe on grants, loans and aids. We are at evey nook and corner, at every turn of development, closely linked with US, UK, Japan, Europe and ofcourse the emerging markets - India, China, Middle East and the like.

Ofcourse, the NEPSE stock exchange is not governed by the normal ways of stock markets. It is said just a few hot shots can make or break a stock. I believe these rumors.

So, the next question is to what extent will the GFC trickle effect be in a country like Nepal?
and are we ready to whatever happens in its name?

go green

i sometimes have vertigo thinking about the eco system, sustainability issues and the environment - you know the trees and the plant and the whole set of eco system animals and the jungles that are part of it and the plastic bags and the sights of them strangling penguins and seagulls and choking snakes.
no, i didn't think too much about it to get vertigo. my brain is too tiny, any attempt at starting it gives me dizziness.
use the right electric lamps. use less energy emitting equipments, walk the ride - get a bicycle, get your cars decarbonized, plant vegetation around your home and workplace.
reject plastic bags as much as you can - reuse them at least if you can't completely refuse them.
it's all about reusing, refusing, renewing and recycling.

the hook

working is an addiction. not working as in working. but working as in holding a job. look at a 60 year old who is to retire and he is still looking for job to hold him, irrespective of whether he needs the money that comes with it or not. no, he just needs a job to hold him straight, to keep him tight and to give him a purpose - a purpose to fill his day, a purpose to eat and to drink and to give him a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction - to give him a purpose to live. there are just a few like my dad i guess, who are rather happy to get the much awaited free time. so for five years, he had had a free time now, and i don't know a happier person to be free than him. he was literally awaiting his retirement, to get some time to wile away and that he did very leisurely. he loves to read - a page from here, a paragraph from there and such. he loves to write a page today and page tomorrow. he loves to sketch - a stroke here a stroke there. he loves to eat - whenever he wants. i am enjoying life you see he says with a philosophy book in hand, a nice cup of tea by his side, legs stretched - why the rush after all - what is there to be gained? he is an avid reader of philosophy - radhakrishnan being his favorite - more to eastern thought than western religion. he is the least interested person i have seen for making money - that sets all the tooth in the wheel right i guess. time for me to get a good sleep after a day's running. goodnight fellas.

home again

home is where your heart is.
i got stuck in age of reason by sartre.
its a sad story. but a reasonable book i guess.
i am yet to reach the end, what does matheiu do?

after listening to a person like sushmita who has scaled the everest with 9 others is an inspiration. hats off to the courageous lady!
if you don't know who sushmita is, she is the courageous and daring lady who organized a mission to take 9 other ladies to the top of everest. ladies from various backgrounds, who had never thought they'd ever scale any mountain.

let us not talk about the inflation and the rising food prices and the price of oil. it is inescapable anywhere. so your ears should be stuffed with these news articles everywhere.

thoughts for today -
deficiency of vitamin D creates osteoporosis (i don't think that's how you spell it). anyways, so i tried to check the source of vit D. all i could find is the sunlight. and got pretty frustrated, for one who is within the enclosures of the office wall 12 hours a day, sunlight is a pretty scarce thing to consume for vit D. so lemme know any natural food that could give me that extra Vit D.

If one is bored with the drag hindi or english movies, alfred hitchcock is the answer. put on one of his hundreds of directions and you is sure for an entertained evening. he is damn good. What a person! what a director!

welcome back!

this is a welcome back to me as well.
after marriage and a long long break from the world of blogs and bloggers, i have to welcome myself back to this screen which i doubt anyone reads at all.
so by sense of pity to this lonesome existence of satelliteblue, i decided to continue it.
did i tell you about my verandah?
well, i had always wanted a verandah to my room, why? because you definitely see one in one of those hindi movies you so much cherish as a child. so, the sequences the lead actor and the actresses have on verandah is quite classic ones running from dilip kumar, romeo juliet to the modern day shahrukh blowing kisses or...that's all modern i got. no updates on the movies beyond shahrukh. no i don't recognize the hundreds of new faces that have cropped up in the hindi movie screen in the last one year.
so, as i was rambling about the verandah business, i had always wanted one. but now, that i have one, i don't see much use of it. this brings me to the basic fact of life, which reminds me one of my grade three readings which used to have a moral..one of the moral stories basically that it is not the objects that give you pleasure, it is how you use it. it is all in the mind.
well, i know, this sort of idealism does sound a too hi-strung to be in one of those moral stories. well, let me own up, i am not in the right frame of mind, given my headache, a hectic day and the fact that it's past eleven already and i should be up by five tomorrow. so long, don't read through this jumble. i will have cleaner one for you in a few days. so long.
and thanks vid for all those inspiring words. some times you just need one more sentence in the mail to start writing again.
happy thursdaying.
PS. is this my third wecome back blog or is it the fourth one? who cares. duh.