I went to print a few pictures of mine, and the family – get it mounted so that I could hang a few on my wall. The wall is empty mostly except for a wedding picture of ours gifted to us by the professional photographer we hired – he clicked it, blowed it up and framed it. My in-laws hung it up on our wall. It has been there since. We have shifted from the room a couple of times and been back to the room a couple of times, and this time we are here to stay, but the picture has remained there since we got married - three years complete, to be exact. ‘you decide your mind first, before you print them’ suggested a friend, and I decided to do so and came back to my desk, 6.30 pm. An empty lift, the fluorescent light, half empty floor, echoing voices, you get used to it when you are regular late-hour at the office. A multinational organization huh! What prestige in the society, you are a smart guy if you get in, a sort of genius if you succeed. I am half way through the second category and dad’s proud about me. Is that all that matters? Am I successful?
Should I have my first child? Should I go to the USA and study marketing? Should I go and teach at a school? Do I have a choice?
I did not realize how people stopped having choices. I did not realize that people did not realize that they did not have choices. People think they do. But if you really empathize and think about it, there are as little choices as you think you got.
I read a theory once about choices by one of the philosophers. He said we don’t make a decision in life, not a single one. His point of view was – when you are brought up in a particular circumstance, in a particular set of beliefs, in a particular kind of family, in a particular environment with the financial spending you make, with the education you get, with the unique set of all the things in your unique individual life, you cannot but make one decision that you had made about certain thing. If you tweak something about that uniqueness, which is true for some other individual maybe, that person will make his decision which is based on his set of unique experiences. But one person, with his set of experiences will make only that one decision and nothing else; he will think he has choice because he has multiple situations to ‘choose’ from. But this philosopher propounds, in actuality, he does not have a choice, he has a decision already, he cannot but choose that particular decision given his set of experiences. Nice. Complicated. Unconvincing. Confused.
I am married to the best person in the world. It’s a great feeling to have that feeling that you are married to the most amazing husband, and when you are totally in love. I love every moment with him, and can never have enough of it. I tell him, lets not sleep tonight, it will be tomorrow, and you will go to office, and I will go to office. Let’s just wake up all night and have a longer moment, looking at each other, being with each other, feeling each other – sometimes I just stare at him snoring for hours, just being awake with him around. And I have never had enough of it. Comparatively, we spend much more time together, at home, at lunches, just being together somehow than other couples we know, we go the library together, do the grocery together, commute to and from work together, attend parties together, go to the movies together, but somehow, we just aren’t enough together. And I feel so lucky. I just love being in love. And being entirely – so engrossed about one person. Sometimes, I tell him, maybe this is unhealthy, I am so much crazy about you. Maybe it is, I don’t know. But I don’t care either.
Sometimes I think I am the most confused person around. I don’t know whether I want to continue my studies at this point, I think it’s too late – I should be giving birth to a child right now as expected by the whole big extended family – mine and his. Sometimes I am confused whether I really want a child, no, I am not confused about that, I do want a child. I am confused about whether – is it now, do we want it – confused mind about this topic, alright, confused about the kinds of question I should be having around this topic about the whole child thing. I am confused about whether I want to stay here or go abroad, for more opportunities, confused about whether career is important to me, whether money is important to me. Then, I see more confused, very confused people around me. When I counsel them, talk to them, sort out their decisions, their life problems, I feel that my life problems, my decisions are easier to make. Sometimes I am confused about whether I like my job. Sometimes I wonder whether I am an workaholic, whether I am an alcoholic – maybe I am, but maybe I just don’t realize it.
There are so many ifs, buts, variables in life, in everyday living, so much chaos, so many things to attend to, so many stakeholders, competition, confusion, varying thoughts, intonations, pitches, so many parameters, challenges, questions, you just get fed up and it gets on your nerves – like today, for me. I just want to shut off and feel, take the time to smell the air and read a book, and sip a coffee and do just one thing at a time. Just sip coffee.
What if today, on a day like this, I had to decide something. It would be totally different than when making a decision on a saner day, I would think, but look I am not making any decisions today, somehow they are all postponed. Maybe if I was so hard pressed and busy to be making a thousand decisions, I wouldn’t be in this mood today – a catch 22 for you here. Nice.
