Just Being Me

 

- by Zany

I miss the quiet,

The fresh air,

The still, clear, water

The sunrise so pure.

I miss the sunset, so serene

As it glides behind the plain.

 

I miss my inner peace

Both inside and out,

On my balcony, my street,

By the river, I feel the drought.

 

No libraries or books,

No siestas or naps,

No hugs, no kisses,

No rests, no respites…

 

I have forgotten to relax

I said, and I have forgotten more

I don’t know what hobbies are

What is a game, who keeps the score

 

Constantly…

Running, flipping, and fuming

No time for love, life or laughter.

What did I eat, did I even drink?

When did I sleep, was it even deep?

 

I don’t remember being…

Seeing, feeling, dreaming or screaming.

 

Feels like I have woken up

As if from a deep slumber

like a lazy cat or just a piece of lumber

 

I cried all night

And I stared all day

I mourned the loss of me today.

Amongst the screen, the laptop and the sheen

Just like that I felt quite clean

 

Now I shall stay

I shall be

I shall close my eyes, feel, and just lay

With chirping birds

rivers and lakes

The rustling leaves

The creeks, and the trees.

 

I shall be grateful for this day

When I can see, I can hear,

I can touch and I can smear.

 

I can feel…

The raindrops heal

All the tears that is yet to peal.

It will cleanse my heart,

And clear my mind,

So I can open my arms

To share my charms

To those lovely hearts

Scattered about – some near, some quite afar.

Besties and Hobbies

Who are your besties mamu? asked my little one who is not so little anymore. She has her besties at school. It used to be her one best friend, and now she has a couple of them. So clear cut, and simple, I thought. 

The question took me by surprise and I was lost in my thought as she blurted out the names of friends that she has heard of, those I speak to or speak about everyday. All I could say was yes, all of them are my besties in different contexts.

It took me back to the session with my counsellor recently when she asked - What are your hobbies? I thought these were questions for your slam book, children at school think about these things - Hobbies. Hobbies are done in free time. Is there any free time? what is this concept of free time? how is anyone ever free, and have time? 

I thought I had heard her wrong, did you actually ask about my hobby? i asked. Yes, she said, what do you like to do when you have time? I wore the look of - Seriously? you are acutually asking me about this look. I work, like 12 hours a day, what else would you like me to do? I did not say that but, put it as gently as i could to mean it. 

She nodded as if she could empathize, yes, i know, our work is such that we cannot even think of anything else. But now that you have some time in your hand, you should go back to your hobby. I asked her an example of what she meant by a hobby, just to buy time, I actually did. She said like reading, painting... 

I read, i said, i love to read. Actually i read so much on paper and on screen that my eyes have started to hurt. 

Well, i kept the latter part to myself. But i made that point very weakly that i read, but i was not sure it was a hobby. It was much more to be than just a hobby. I live and breathe books, but i also read lots of other stuff, emails, online materials, strategy papers, about organizations, children's book reviews to check whether something is okay for my kid. Where does reading as a hobby start and end, what demarcates reading for fun, and reading to stay updated, to learn, reading by choice and reading to earn? 

I used to sketch, I added as the pause grew longer. You should go back to sketching, she said, whatever that gets you to that relaxed mode when you can. Yes, i said, but a doubtful one. I did not see myself having the patience to sit down and sketch. I know that is the best time to go in my Flow, and the only time when i cannot say literally whether it is day or night outside if the curtains are drawn. But i think i have lost it. 

I will have to find it, but for the moment, i have lost it. 

 Besties. Hobbies. Games. 

 Finding the child in you. 

 Loving without reason. 

 Nostalgia of a world goneby, idealistic and happy. 

 But I am still hopeful that like my besties that I have in different contexts, I will find my hobbies, and will sketch and be in my flow not too far in the future.

getting back to my space

 Wow! 

I did not realize this space existed anymore but i browsed, because i had the energy to do so today and i found it. In a sense, it was finding my old self, a renewed self and my old space where i used to be myself. I have not read any of the old blogs today, i just want to cherish finding it first - relish the find little by little like dark chocolate. 

I am getting back to whatever i had forgotton or lost over the last decade and a half of getting adjusted to a very different life - getting married, having a kid, losing my father, balancing work and home and travel, and then the covid work-from-home situation really pulled the plug on me. I am now on a long break from work, seeing a counsellor and having conversations, untangling the knots - as some call it, taking life slow, yet trying to achieve what's possible every day. 

I decided to take a much longer break when i became aware one day that i had forgotten to relax and be on a holiday. My body and my mind had not been on a break ever. Even on holidays it would be to organize one of the many social events for the kids, parents, cousin or self. So even on long leaves, i would be organizing and managing something, else, planning and organizing a holiday. Holidaying with kids is project management. Please deny if you can. 

In the past two months, i have gone back to what i like best - being around nature, touching trees, noticing the color or leaves, being around lakes and rivers. I have gone back to listening to music, buying and reading books. I am yet to pick up sketching and writing. This might be one of my first tries of filling a page with my thoughts except the journal that i keep almost regularly for theraupatic purposes. 

I am surrounded by many books as i write, and the visuals give me a pleasure that nothing else does. To be surrounded by the great minds, the words waiting to speak to me, the writers on my cupboard amongs colorful book covers is a different connection. I thoroughtly enjoyed a book about this topic by Margaret Atwood recently. But I am never in a flow like when reading a novel and immersing myself in a different world. I am super thrilled when i connect to the author through their work, especially when it is autobiographical in nature and is a true story. The power of words never seize to excite me. 

I hope to make this a regular thing now. I am shy to share this widely like a "blog"... "blog". I would like to publish it so i can find it easily in the future. I might share the link with a few close friends. I would not mind if they don't read it, would be glad if they did and gave some feedback - positive or for improvement. 

May be i can fish our my next project or plan or ideas for the future through these writings and we can plot and plan together. 

It is great to be back in this space, and it does feel like really coming back and finding treasure as i could scroll down to 2006. 

Thanks for reading thus far and let us connect through the magical words! Ciao!